1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
