How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
