tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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