Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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