After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
