last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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