The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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