after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
