Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
