I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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