Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize