If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
