Your mouth is God's brothel.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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