Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
