before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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