she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
