the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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