Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize