He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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