I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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