she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
