Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
