Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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