woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
