i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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