I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
