my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
