I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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