1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
