Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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