U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize