if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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