The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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