Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
