i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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