i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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