Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
