He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
