The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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