so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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