I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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