After last night, I could never be a politician.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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