I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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