And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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