the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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