Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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