The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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