Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
