I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
