last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
