she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
