no, he came in my armpit
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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