There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
A+ Viking dick
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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