My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
