Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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