Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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